SORE LOSERMAN REDUX SHORT SHARP SHOCKS Well, whuddaya know? Looks like that whole "Sore Loserman" shtick was true, after all. And now Lieberman is going to run as a so-called "Independent". In a world where declaring dissent to be treasonous, constantly undercutting your own party and publicly French kissing Preznit Dubya on the White House lawn is the only way to prevent FOX News from calling you a traitor, I guess that makes sense. Anyhoo... Way to respect the will of your constituents, Joe! Speaking of FOX News and their love affair with Senator Joe, Ned Lamont's primary victory seems to have kicked the right-wing propaganda war machine into overdrive. It's like they're worried something bad might happen to their faltering cult leader, Preznit Dubya, if the Democrats get enough actual Democrats elected this year! Subpoena Power, here we come! A newly released Gallup poll shows that "many Americans harbor negative feelings or prejudices against people of the Muslim faith." Allow yer old pal Jerky to be the first to say... DUH!!! I'm sure you'll all be happy to hear that functionally retarded adult film star Mary Carey is taking another stab at running for governor of California. Only this time, she means it. Carey, who ran a pathetic campaign against Arndolf Schwarzenkennedy in 2003, summed up her new philosophy thusly: "I think I'm more serious now. As you can see I'm dressed more seriously. I've got brown in my hair because brunettes are taken more seriously." And to prove it, she worked real hard to drum up the 164,000 signatures required to get her name on the ballot. Unfortunately, she only came up with 40 names, of which more than half were fake, along the lines of Heywood Jablowme and Hugh G. Rection. Still, that's not bad when you take into account -- as previously mentioned -- the fact that she's functionally retarded. Do you wear Birkenstock sandals and a "Livestrong" bracelet? Do you like Family Guy, or play "ultimate frisbee", or wear a baseball cap with a pre-frayed brim? Are you now, or have you ever been, a Jack Johnson fan? If you answered DEAR GOD YES to any of these questions, then you may be a Bro. And being a Bro makes you a prime candidate for Bro Rape. Bro Rape... don't let it happen to you. Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY August 2 Predating disco by about six centuries, the first-ever roller-skating rink opens in London, England, on this day in the year 1375. On this day in 1991, funkadelic super-freak Rick James and his equally super-freaky girlfriend Manya Hijazi are arrested on sexual torture and kidnapping charges after one of their sex slaves escapes from their basement/sex dungeon (if anybody has any pictures of this set-up, send 'em along to yer old pal Jerky... he's looking for some decorating ideas). James was found guilty and was released in 1996, after which he began his second career as a regularly featured performer on tabloid TV "Where are they now?" segments. James, who died on August 6, 2004, is best remembered for his catch-phrase: "I'm Rick James, bitch!", which was actually coined by stand-up comic Dave Chappelle. On this day in 1990, after getting a green-light from U.S. ambassador April Glaspie, Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein orders his military to invade the tiny neighboring monarchy of Kuwait, using weapons supplied by the U.S. government. Then-President George Bush gives his former best buddy Saddam the surprise of a lifetime by going on the TV and calling him a Hitler, vowing to protect Saudi Arabia and liberate Kuwait, by any means necessary. So America sets up base in Riyadh, near the Muslim holy city of Mecca, which severely pisses off Osama Bin Laden, a Saudi who'd been among the thousands trained and equipped by the C.I.A. to fight a terror war against Soviet troops in Afghanistan. The subsequent slaughter of Desert Storm -- resulting in the deaths of over 25,000 Iraqi combatants and 200,000 Iraqi civilians -- pisses off Osama even MORE. The rest, as they say, is an incredibly depressing, textbook case of BLOWBACK.

THEY SAID IT! "President Bush sees the Israel-Hezbollah conflict as 'an opportunity'. Condoleezza Rice calls it 'the birth pangs of a new Middle East'. These statements are likely to be remembered by history as even more iconically absurd than Vice President's Cheney's description of the Iraqi insurgency as being 'in its last throes'." - William Fischer offers his Truthout Perspective. *** **** *** "This agreement shall be effective from the date it is made and shall continue in force for a period of five (5) years from the date it is made, and thereafter for successive five (5) year terms, unless and until terminated by one year prior notice in writing by either party." - Ha-ha! $2.3 million dollars down the shitter, all because of the lawyers dropping in a rogue comma! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!! That's fuckin' AWESOME!!!

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by Ewie! So the sergeant was instruction the Polish paratrooper before his first jump: "Count to ten and pull the rip cord," the sergeant tells the Polack. "If that doesn't work, pull the second rip cord for the auxillary chute. After you land, a truck will pick you up." The Polack jumps out of the plane, counts to ten, and pulls the first rip cord. Nothing happens. He pulls the second cord, and nothing happens again. The Polack says to himself, "I bet the truck won't be there either!" *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Dave on Dope for sending in today's second joke. A woman walks into a bar and orders two shots. She downs the first one... "This is for the shame", and then the second one... "This is for the glory." She then orders two more shots. She drinks the first one... "This is for the shame", and then the second one... "This is for the glory." She is about to order two more shots when the bartender stops her. "Ma'am, I was just wondering... what's this about shame and glory?" "Well," she replies, "I like to do my housework naked. But when I bent over to pick something up, my Great Dane mounted me from behind." "That must be the shame," the bartender said. "No, that was the glory. The shame is when we got knotted together and he dragged me around the front yard for forty minutes." WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by Mack... Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy. The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?" Donald frowned and said "No." Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex. "Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested. So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms. "Yes, we do," the clerk said, and pulled one out from under the counter and gave it to Donald. The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put that on your bill? "No!" Donald quacked, "What kind of a pervert do you think I am?"

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: ISLAM'S ALLEGED NUMBERS GAME care of: Saquib MOPJ, this is in response to Garold's article from a little while back. What triggered this response is Garold's use of Quranic verses to support the claim that Islam-fascists have some sort of a plan about finishing a war in 2208. Garold has twice refered to Chapter 74 while talking about the number 19 and referring to that chapter as "the chapter in qu'ran that begins the final war and muslim ascendancy." Maaaan... there is no such thing, knowing that translations of the Quran are available on the net why would anybody in his right mind make such a false claim. Verses 30-37 of this chapter in no way talk about the number 19. 19 does not have any significance, in Islam. I think the least educated person would know Islam started spreading from the Arabs, and Arabs are to Algebra what the Greeks are to Trigonometry. How can someone say that we dont use 10 base number system and base our number system on 19!?!?! I would also like to talk about the "19 questions" posed to the muslim scholars. The 19 questions are actually questioning the legality of 'Hadith' -- the traditions/sayings/actions of the Prophet. Unless talked about IN CONTEXT, narrating a tradition would be unfair. The traditions of the Prophet do provide exceptions for the people to make this is a more humane religion. Like the first question says "the Prophet (PBUH) always urinated while sitting, and also shows the hadith saying that "the prophet urinated whlie standing", trying to show that the hadith are contradictory. Actually the second hadith is out of context, the prophet did urinate once while standing when he was passing from the dump of a city, in this way letting his followers know that if the area surrounding you does not allow you to sit and urinate then it is fine by Islamic way of life to urinate while standing! Jerky, doesnt that make more sense? Rather than forcing to relieve yourself in a way that can end you up having dierrehea? Through the Daily Dirt i would like all Americans to know that we have enjoyed america's leadership and friendship for a very long time, I pray that America rids itself from its hijackers also called the BUSH regime so that the world stops producing terrorists. It's never been Islam that produced terrorists. If you burn my house today my children will want to take revenge against you tomorrow whether you're a Muslim, Jew, Christian or a Hindu... doesnt matter. You're just the someone who burned my house. Where does the faith come in?? - Saquib [I tend to agree with you. - Jerky] FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! Howdy Jerkey, MOP, I finaly got it made! I got my songs to the web, and now I can shere my points on the Chimp in Chief. I ment to have it out for the president ellection, but a divorce came up and spoiled that plan (too). I would like to have some commends from those who might listen, and there is more music where it came from. Try here, and hear for your self. YOP Al Mulliman [Send all comments to jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com! - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky Do you remember when ice storms across the North Eastern states brought help from both the United States of America and Canada? People were in real trouble. No political ideology about people that needed help. Period. Thank you for exposing the hurt in our collective hearts about Katrina. I understand the mess is still exposed. Ken [I did what now? - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey MOPJ, I had an idea for a Soapbox, thought I'd be lazy and run it past you, before taking the time to write and submit it. I thought I wuld offer an insiders view on how to deal with phone calls from money collectors, solictors, charities, and surveys. I have been working in the industry for the last 7 years for several different prominent companies (Including Market Stratagies Inc. the people the RNC use for those polls that Bush "ignores."). I thought your readers might appreciate some advice on the most effective ways to deal with the calls and how to really prevent future ones. Let me know what you think. YOP Spasmolytic46 [Sounds pretty cool. Send something along! - Jerky] *** **** *** OK Jerkmeister..... New Dirt.... Chop chop! Dave H [I know, I know... SORRY!!! - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky, hello! Today I enjoyed this with morning joints n' coffee. God bless her black, black heart. Cheers, Jacuzzi Suites [ACK! That's an Ann Coulter video! You should warn a guy! - Jerky] *** **** *** MOPJ -- In these days of both meteorological & global hellfire raining down on us, I thought a little diversion might be welcome. So I recommend to you & all fellow Dirt readers The Amazing Screw On Head. I just stumbled across this on Sci-Fi while channel surfing, totally ignorant of its existence or provenance. Not only did it hold my attention for a half hour, I found it one of the most quirky, inventive, & witty things I've seen lately. It's based on a one-off by Mike Mignola of "Hellboy" fame. Mignola is invoved in the production & the likes of Paul Giamatti, David Hyde-Pierce, & Molly Shannon are amongst those giving voice to the characters. As far as I know, it has aired only once, but you can watch it online. If you feel so inclined, do the survey too. Any future episodes seem to be dependent on feedback. BTW -- I have nothing to do with SciFi, Mignola, or the makers of this animation; I just think it's worthwhile to support & make known the work of offbeat creative types. YOPJack [It's no Korgoth of Barbaria, but it'll do. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerk, couldnt help but laugh at all the thai replies, I have an idea...please publish the following: To all my Thai friends who love their King, If you want to get that Jerky dog american bastard do exactly this! Get a couple of grams of good Thai Stick, get newspaper, put thai sticks in newspaper, roll up newspaper secure with 2 rubber bands, stick on piece of paper with address, throw in mail, send to Jerky dog american bastard at: (insert P.O. box # here) When Jerky dog american bastard picks up mail, he will be arrested and go to jail forever! Long Live the King!!! Jerky hater, King lover Hey Jerky, Let me know how much you get! LMAO, salut! Pigeon [Better yet, how 'bout I just use your home address? - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com