NOAM CHOMSKY IMAGINARY INTERVIEW! FISHIN' WITH NOAM! (ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED AUG 14, 2001) We were sitting around at home today when we thought to ourselves: "Fuck it, dudes. Let's go fishing." And so, we went fishing. And it was while we were fishing that we encountered our old pal, Noam Chomsky, distinguished professor of linguistics at M.I.T. and genuine, blue-ribbon, gold-medal shit-disturber extraordinaire. We often meet Noam when we go fishing, so this chance encounter was not the surprise you might think it to be. Anyway, as is always the case whenever we meet up with our old buddy Noam, we asked him what was on his mind these days. He said: "Corporate propaganda." We almost said: "Still?!" But then we regained our senses. For people who don't give a rat's ass about the complexities of contemporary linguistic phenomenological matrices, Noam can seem like a broken record sometimes. But his is a song that is always worth listening to, whether or not it makes your booty shake. So we pressed him for details. What effect has corporate propaganda had on society at large, we asked? "The effect has been, pretty much, to demolish civil society," he answered. "To turn people into what is the ideal. And the ideal is very clear. The ideal is a completely fragmented, atomized society, where everyone is totally alone, doing nothing but trying to pursue created wants. They don't have any connection with anyone else. You don't see anyone else, you don't deal with anyone else, you're an atom of consumption. And you go to work at lower and lower wages for more and more hours and less and less benefits and security in a 'flexible' labor market. That's the kind of utopia that they're looking, for and we're not very far from there." "Sounds about right," we replied. We couldn't help ourselves. Kindly, he saw fit to ignore us and continue. "I mean, the country is like a devastated peasant society. You really have to go back to Europe and the Black Death, the 14th century, to find anything similar. People are scared, angry, hostile, hate everything, don't know what they hate, don't have anybody else to talk to. Just angry, desperate times." "And how!" we enthused. "But what are some of the external manifestations of this encroaching solipsism?" "There are cults all over the place at a scale that is unknown in any other society," he replied. For the first time since he began speaking, his voice broke from its pleasant, calming drone and became ever slightly more animated. "The level of religious fundamentalism alone is probably the highest in the world. I'm almost certain it's higher than in Iran." Having read many hundreds of megabytes of e-mail from hundreds of easily offended fundamentalist Christianoid porn-hounds, ourselves, we couldn't help but nod our heads in agreement. He continued… "Across the board, it's just a dissolved society. The portent is ominous. You know, it's the kind of situation that is indeed very reminiscent of Germany in the late 30's, or Iran in the late 70's, and it's very frightening. Indeed, it's much more frightening when it happens here." There wasn't much we could say to that. Nothing sucks quite as hard as having your worst fears and suspicions reinforced by one of the greatest minds of the post-war world. We shook his hand and went back home, stopping along the way to pick up some fish at the supermarket, for supper. Yet even as we were perusing the fresh trout and red snapper, we were thinking, pondering, fulminating. As always, Noam had struck a chord in us. We thought about our many libertarian-minded friends who are heavy into the whole digital revolution thing -- real code-head, techno-fascist, hacker types -- who can't wait for online piracy to deliver its final, crippling blow to the current infrastructures and hierarchies of the established 'content delivery' specialists: AOL/Time/Warner, the film and recording industries... the only mechanisms by which artists are currently able to eek out a living, basically. On the flip side of the same coin, we also thought about the great many gun-nut 'survivalist' types who are waiting on an even more wide-ranging collapse of social and governmental systems so they can emerge from the darkened woods and lead the rest of us to a glorious future full of rugged individualism. Being rugged individuals themselves -- the lucky minority who know how to distill their own urine into a refreshing potable drink -- they look forward to this potential future like the average high school boy looks forward to getting his first blow-job. Nowadays, in other words, it seems like most everybody is biding their time, just waiting around for some ill-defined revolution so they can use their own personal advantages to claw their way to the top of the pecking order. Everybody wants to be top dog, and, like the spoiled brats we so obviously are, most of us are holding our breath until our very own pet revolutionary project makes that transition from wishful thinking to paradigm-bursting reality... ...except for us, that is. We're just waiting for people to start reading again, for progressive rock to make a comeback, for a pill that lets you eat whatever you want without ever gaining weight, for the decriminalization of marijuana, and for the day when the Chandra Condit Memorial Parking Lot and the big-budget Hollywood movie about Dubya's fraudulent Preznitcy will be nothing but a distant, fading memory. Love, yer old pal Jerky and friends. Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY August 1 On this day in 1972, the Washington Post reports that a $25,000 cashier's check earmarked for the Comittee to Re-Elect the President (CREEP) was discovered in the bank account of one of the men caught burglarizing a Democratic office in the Watergate building. It's the Post's first Watergate story, and it's also the beginning of the end for President Nixon. On this day in the year 1619, a few weeks after having been traded for a shipload of food by a desperate Dutch slave-trader, the very first Africans to ever touch American soil land in Jamestown, Virginia. Unfortunately, they were such a hit with the slave-owning classes (who previously had been content to own native Americans and English paupers), rush orders were soon being placed for millions more. The rest, as they say, is history. The combined efforts of Captain J. T. Kirk and T.J. Hooker weren't enough to save William Shatner's wife when he found her, face down in the bottom of the family pool on this day in 1999. And yes, he DID call 911, or, as he calls it: "Nine..... one-one!"

THEY SAID IT! "If sizeable reductions in greenhouse gas emissions will not happen and temperatures rise rapidly, then climatic engineering, as presented here, is the only option available to rapidly reduce temperature rises and counteract other climatic effects. Such a modification could also be stopped on short notice, if undesirable and unforeseen side-effects become apparent, which would allow the atmosphere to return to its prior state within a few years." - According to professor Paul Crutzen, a Nobel Prize-winning research chemist, the best way to avert the looming global climate disaster is for mankind to significantly cut back on greenhouse gas emissions. Failing that, however, he proposes a Plan B: artificially cooling the climate by releasing sulphur into the upper atmosphere, which would reflect sunlight and heat back into space. *** **** *** "When they told me there was a hijack, my first reaction was 'Somebody started the exercise early'. I actually said out loud, 'The hijack's not supposed to be for another hour'." - For an ostensible attempt at conspiracy-theory-debunking, this Vanity Fair feature article sure does manage to raise some disturbing questions, not the least of which being NORAD facility mission-crew commander Major Kevin Nasypany's quote, and the inconvenient reality that surrounds it.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by Sklag! A little kid is reading a book and comes across the words 'pussy' and 'bitch'. He goes to his mother and asks what they mean. She explains, "Our cat can also be called a pussy, and our dog, Lassie, is a bitch, a female dog." He goes away not too happy with it so he goes to his father down in his shed and asks the same question telling him what his mother said. "Well, not really", says his father, reaching under his bench and pulls out a magazine. He opens it at the centerfold. Getting a pencil the circles the spot betweens the legs, "everything inside the circle is a pussy." "Okay, what's a bitch?" "Everything outside the circle!" *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Dave on Dope for sending in today's second joke. There were two good ol' boys from the South, who love to fish, and they wanted to do some ice fishing. They'd heard about it up in Canada, so they took off up there. The lake was frozen nicely. They stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle. One of them said, "We're gonna need an ice pick." So they got that, and they took off. In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, "We're gonna need another dozen ice picks." Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he didn't. He sold him the picks, and the old boy left. In about an hour, he was back. Said, "We're gonna need all the ice picks you've got." The bait man couldn't stand it any longer. "By the way," he asked, "how are you fellows doing?" "Not very well at all," he said. "We ain't even got the boat in the water yet." WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by Mike Buchan... Much was wasted because I was young when she died. If she were alive today and sharing her pearls of wisdom, I'd be a better man. Those gems were all good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandmotherly advice, came when I was only 12. We were sitting in a park, watching children and their mothers enjoying a beautiful spring day. She told me that one day, I'd find a great woman and start my own family. "And son, remember this always" she said, "be sure you marry a woman with small hands." "How come, Grandma?" I asked her. She said in her soft voice.. "makes your pecker look bigger." Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: NET NEUTRALITY IS UNDER ATTACK care of: David Your freedom to have unencumbered access to content on the Internet is in jeopardy. Our federal legislative bodies are working on a bill to overhaul the telecommunications regulations. In that bill are provisions which allow telecommunication companies the right to charge content providers a premium for priority delivery. The consequence is that if a content provider does not want to pay the additional toll their content will be delivered more slowly. This will ultimately impact startup business and possibly tech savvy individuals that enjoy putting video of their child's first steps on the internet. This website can provide more information. Please communicate to your representative your desire regarding this issue. This is a very quick and simple means of letting your representatives know how you feel. Please spend a little time to help preserve the vast amount of unfettered information which we now enjoy. If this issues is important to you forward this message to others that may share your feelings. - David [I hate to be a downer, but if I've learned ANYTHING in the last seven plus years of this fruitless endeavor, it's that The Powers That Be don't care squat about any fucking petitions. - Jerky] FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! My Friends, If this is true or not, I thought it was a good tip to pass along... This advice comes to me from a retired State Farm Agent! This system has been tried and it works in every State. If you get a speeding ticket or went through a red light or whatever the case may be, and you're going to get points on your license this is a method to ensure that you DO NOT get the points. When you get your fine, send in a check to pay for it. If the fine is $79.00 make the check out for $82.00 or some small amount over the fine. The system will then have to send you back a check for the difference, however here is the trick. DO NOT CASH THE REFUND CHECK! Throw it away! Points are not assessed to your license until all financial transactions are complete. If you do not cash the check, the transactions are NOT complete. The system has received its money and is satisfied and will no longer bother you. This information comes from an unmentionable Computer company that sets up the standard databases used by every state. Send this to everyone you know. You never know when they may need a break. N8Possibilities [I'm not even going to bother checking whether or not this one is true. - Jerky] *** **** *** Dear Jerky, Please find attached my latest political creation. I have lovingly Photoshopped an image combining the failed creative endeavors of Mr. Mann's Miami Vice, with the equally poor foreign policy of the Bush administration. I have attached a small and large version of the work. Please use at your leisure. All the best, Paul G. [I get it, and yet... I don't get it. - Jerky] *** **** *** MOPJ, This story is related to another story you put out a while ago. I thought this comment said it all. "This is a sunshine bill that was meant simply to shed light on an abusive market practice," Overstock.com Chief Executive Officer Patrick Byrne said. "The fact that the brokerage industry is freaking out says a lot. Cockroaches are always afraid of the light." We'll see where it goes. I anticipate a long, protracted legal battle. YOP, Bob [The whole flimsy construct is gonna come crashing down any day now. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky; Sweetfinger wrote that on of the senators from Minnesota is named Joe Coleman - it's actually, NORM Coleman (though he's still a collossal asshole). JOE Coleman is a painter who does enormous, highly detailed portraits loaded with text of serial killers, circus freaks, musicians, himself, etc. Just thought I'd clear that up... Cheers! Jack [He also blows himself up and eats rats live on stage. Guess which one I'm talking about? - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky! Would you stop with the B-52 crap? There weren't B-52s in 1945 and one certainly didn't hit the empire state building. You've been doing this for YEARS. P. Wiggen [Heheheheh... ain't I a stinker? - Jerky] *** **** *** Dear Jerky, I hate to be one (out of thousands, I'm sure) to point out the transposition of digits in the 'On This Day' section; it was a B-25, not a B-52, that hit the Empire State Building on July 28, 1945. Sincerely, Tonto [I make the same mistake every year. That's what you get when you cut and paste! - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky - 'On this day in 1945, a B-52 US Army bomber crashes into the 79th floor of the Empire State Building. 14 people die in the resulting explosion.' You forgot to add: '...and the bulding still stands to this day.' Cheers! Jack [I also forgot to say it was a B-25. A B-52 prolly would have brought 'er down. - Jerky]

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